Three Twisted phases
by mamika
Summary: It's a run along about their thoughts along the TRC story from the start til they reach Nihon. in both Fai's and Kuro-pin's POVs in turn. I tried to be as much IC as I could. of course it is meshed with my ideas on how they feel and think. kurofai oneshot.


well. I don't know if this is any good. for once I really tried to proofread this. it was way longer than I had planned it. this was meant to be just in Fai's POV and not this much stuff in it, but it just snowballed. I'm sorry if it's suck. first time I wrote in Me-perspective, and it wasn't that easy. but I tried my best, and I am rather proud of this. in the end, I just had to check up the manga to see how did it really go so I wouldn't butcher it all. anyway. here you are, long waited new kurofai from me :)  
but to all you who has waited for me to write more kurofai, here is your x-mas present! I hope you enjoy! and new readers, you can enjoy too ;)

* * *

Three twisted phases

I knew from the start that I was doomed. That was why I gripped Fai's hand so hard when everyone stared at us. I sensed that our time together would be limited. Yet I hoped I was wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. Little more than a toddler, I had believed Fai and I and our mother would be happy together for ever. But when she died, things started going wrong. People accused us of everything that went wrong, even though there was no way it could be our fault.

When I had been down in the pit, I had just wanted to see Fai one last time.

my wish had been granted. But I should have wished I would see Fai alive one last time.

When Ashura came for me, I had build a wall of indifference around myself. I knew I was cursed, knew I would bring torment to others. That was why I kept my distance from everyone. I didn't want to hurt them, and I definitely didn't want to be hurt again by loosing someone I cared about. It was too much to bear. Because I knew I would. And I knew that it would break me for good. Late at night, I could still hear Fei-Wong's voice talking, making the deal that ruined all.

I wished I had died in the pit. It would have made things so much easier and I could have avoided so much pain and torture.  
When Ashura went ballistic, I knew the time had come. I had lost everything again, it was time to leave for the final journey that would end all. now I should do Reed's task and be a spy, mole. Traitor. I had prepared myself to it for years. I would do it for Fai, for the sake of getting peace to him.

But when I set eyes to Kurogane, I knew I hadn't prepared for the worst. I hadn't thought I would have to betray a person who I felt immediate fondness. Who made my heart beat like never before. When I heard his voice the first time, there was a sharp pain flashing through my body. The voice was stern, strong and confident. Everything I wasn't and everything I wanted to be. I was sure that if the ninja had been in my place, he would have done things differently, in a way that there wouldn't be so much regret.

So I did what I could. Because there was no way I could turn away from the path I had chosen. It would render all I had been through meaningless. I had to see it through. And not like Reed would let me get away. He was a cruel and determined man. If you didn't work for him, you worked against him and then you were best off dead.

I smiled because I saw how much Kurogane hated it. I invented all kind of foolish nicknames, to make him resent and avoid me. I really hoped it would work. But the ninja just kept coming closer, looking at me, seeing more of me than no one should. I wanted him to hate me for what I showed him, not because of what I truly was.

A doll with broken limps, one last strand holding it all together. Useless. So I savored the annoyance that radiated from the blood red orbs that could set me on fire. It was way better than pity and disgust that I knew I would get if he would get past my mask.

It was bittersweet to keep smiling. Because I wanted him to come closer. Yet I feared it the most and wanted him to go away. But the thought of loosing him twisted my heart into a tight knot that didn't allow me to breath or sleep. So I stayed up long, drinking.

Then Kurogane joined me. I treasured those moments when I had him all to myself but he was more into drinking than looking through me. Which made it all the better. I was able to look at him, memorize him without being interrupted. Without a reminder that I was a filthy traitor, not worthy of his company. That I had a cursed life with no way out.

He changed me. I tried to dismiss it, but he crept into my heart. He turned into an important person to me. he made me want to change, to fight against my future, to fight and stop Reed so he couldn't hurt my ninja again. I didn't want to idle away. I wanted to make a difference. To have a meaning in my life. I didn't want to betray him to Reed.

When we were in the Clover bar I couldn't help being swept away with the music. It had been so long since I had heard any real touching music. In Celes, there hadn't been much reason to enjoy music. I had been too busy running errands and educating myself. But you didn't like the song that I loved. It was an accident that I told you I had waited for a savior too. But now that I have met you, I realized that it wasn't that easy. I couldn't just leave everything behind. Even if I wanted to. You remained silent and I couldn't read your expression. I don't know if you pitied me or thought me as a fool. Well, you thought me as a fool anyway, that was nothing new. The silence was awkward for me, so I was happy when it ended and we focused on other things. But after that, I saw something different in your eyes when I caught you staring me. Earlier it had been annoyed and curious. Now it was even more curious but also piercing. Nearly demanding. It was as if you really wanted to see past my mask. But I couldn't let you do that, so I just smiled at you, watching your sigh and turn your gaze away. I didn't want you to see me. I wanted to stay with you a bit longer. I wanted more to remember you by.

When it was just the two of us, the kids being thrown to somewhere else, I was glad. I tried to push the feeling away, but I just loved being alone with you. Especially since we couldn't talk, because our languages didn't match. I didn't mind it, even though you were annoyed by it. I enjoyed it. There couldn't be any conversations, you couldn't try to dig your way into my thoughts. I was content with just watching you, following you in battles. You were amazing. In battle, I could trust you to secure my back. Not even a moment did I fear that you would sell me out to our fellow soldiers, or leave me to the enemy. And that made my heart beat warmer. It felt good not to be alone. But it also sent shivers down my spine. In there, I had your back. I wouldn't let anything hurt you. Even though it meant I had to kill people. I haven't directly taken a life of another man before, and the knowledge of their blood on my hands. It made me sick to my stomach and I would have wanted to throw the bow away, but I had job to do. Besides, it wasn't the first time I had to do something I didn't want to. But it eased the guilt that I was doing this for Kurogane's sake. I was helping him and protecting him.  
But I knew that once we would reunite with the kids, we would go back into our old lives and you shouldn't trust me anymore. I wondered if I should let you get hurt just a bit, so you would know not to count on me. But I simply couldn't force myself to let it happen. I basket in the appreciating looks I got when I helped you out. I could tell that despite your fighting skills, you considered me as a good fighter too. Equal. When I saw the look, it first brought a real grin to my lips. But then icy cold fingers clawed my chest. All this was false. I was not even close being your match. You were honest. I was everything but honest.  
So when we first saw Syaoran there, I knew the time was up. We couldn't be just us anymore. Never again. You would again be the ninja, I would be the mage. Not two strangers, working together like a clockwork. But I wanted to have the one last night with you. So I acted like I didn't know Syaoran, and you followed my lead. And for that I grew even more fond of you. We really understood each others. It tore me apart to know I would loose you. It made everything duller. That day I didn't sleep. I just kept staring at you, watching your relaxed expression. Glad that it was enough light that I could see your every feature.  
When it was time to get up, I sighed and closed my eyes. I had to force myself to get up and prepare for that nights battle. My eyes still lingered on you, watching as you put the armor on. Without any word or gesture, I came to your side and helped secure the armor. On the last buckle, I let my hands linger on your side a moment. Just to know what your warmth felt like. So I could at least have dreams to keep me company. You frowned at me and I shook my head, letting my hands drop and giving you a lopsided smile. I couldn't force the mask on right then more than that. You looked me in the eyes for a moment, and for the first time in there I wished I could understand what you said. But I didn't understand the short sentence, tilted my head to the side and stared the red orbs. You sighed annoyed and walked to the gathering zone. I sighed too and followed you, playing with my bow.  
Time to continue the journey. To face the future I didn't want to live.

When we landed into a peaceful and safe world we used to sit in the backyard of the little house we had rented. We usually stayed there after the kids had gone to bed. And usually we had some bottles to accompany us.  
It was a beautiful evening, with bright cloudless sky with sparkling stars in it. It felt so peaceful and calm that I allowed myself to just lean back and let go. The liquor helped too.  
When we were sitting there side by side I got the urge to dance. The sky was the perfect scene for something romantic. I nearly slapped myself with the idea of me dancing with Kurogane. Just wanting it was a sin. I shouldn't drag the ninja down with me. But it was still too beautiful night to waste completely. I didn't want to waste it, whether or not I would deserved it. I stretched to confirm my decision  
"I want to dance" I stated. Kuro-koi didn't comment when I got up. As a kid I had loved watching my parents waltz so that's what I decided to dance. I was lost in the steps, imagining the music, trying not to miss the steps I had never danced with someone. I didn't even fully register the ninja's question  
"How can you keep your balance?"  
I was concentrating on the pirouette, so I wasn't looking after my mouth  
"You learn not to fall when you walk over frozen dead bodies for few years."  
I literally sensed how the temperature dropped. I stopped dead on my track, making sure the ninja was behind me. I couldn't face him right now. I had been too deep in memories to keep my walls up. My heart ached when the other memories poured out. I did my best to regroup but I couldn't force a smile on my face. I didn't have control over my expression  
"I think it is time we go get some rest, right Kuro-pun?" I managed to say without my voice cracking. It helped me to compose myself again. My chest wasn't squeezing the air out of me anymore.  
"Yeah, better go before you trip and I have to carry you around again" I heard Kurogane say. It stunned me for a second, but it also made me a little lightheaded and relief washed over me when the ninja pushed my demons away for a moment. I let out a laugh  
"aww, I liked it so much when you carried me" I said. I was partly joking, partly serious. It had been great to be so close to Kuro-chu. My eyes widened when the ninja answered  
"Fine" stepped closer and picked me up from the ground. A squeak escaped me, but then I was up in your shoulder and all I could do was laugh. It felt so comforting to be held there. Like I would still have some worth. For a while, I wasn't cold.  
That night I slept well and I wasn't haunted by any ghosts from the past.

At the acid Tokyo, when you grabbed my arm and told me to decide where I stood, it hurt. You couldn't know what goes through my head, what kind of twisted hell I am living. How could you, when I don't tell you. But what you said cut deep. I had been fighting with myself, with my conviction to Fai, and with the softness in my heart towards you. And then you had to see the fight so clearly. You had to know that I was hesitant in standing by your side and help you through all that was in front of us. I slid down along the wall, wanting to cry but laughing hysterically instead. How could I choose?

Then the opportunity came to me, the change to choose you instead of Fai. Though it meant breaking my wow, I decided to try to help you, to be at your side. I felt our Syaoran loosing his heart and soul. If I would try to let him keep it, it would mean the end of me. I wouldn't have to see the hurt in your eyes when I would choose Fai over you. I wouldn't have to choose him over you. I could make my stand against Reed be final. I could stop working for his favor. I made my decision to put my life on the line. I chose you.

But when I gave all I had to save Syaoran's heart, when I wanted to gave my life to put a hindrance to Reed's plans, to stop the kid from exploiting my magic. But you had to stop me. You couldn't let me go, even though it was what I wanted. I wanted to be freed of my burden, of the future I couldn't escape no other way. I wanted to join Fai again. And it would have been for your sake too, it wouldn't have been hard to beat Syaoran without my powers aiding him. But you had to make me a traitor anyway, you had to make me live so it would be easier for Syaoran to kill others. You made my hands even more bloodied than they were.

Yet you say you would kill me if that was what I really wanted. It was what I wanted. You didn't give it to me. And for that, I can't abide the sight of you. You make me see all the blood I have spilled in my life. Which is way too much to be bearable. I don't like taking a life. I am not a fighter like you. I want to cherish, not destroy. I had wanted to escape the mold I had been pushed, but you just forced me right back into it. And then you made it so that in order to live, I would have to spill your blood. Drink it. The foul taste in my mouth didn't vanish with time or water. It was constantly there. Reminding me. That I would still have to turn my back on you, that I would have to one day face you with hate flaring from your eyes. That I would die knowing you hate me.

I chose you. But you didn't let me keep my decision.

So I resent you.

* * *

Kuro-chun's POV

I was furious when the yard emerged in front of me and I saw that witch in front of me. I just wanted to go back home, to fight with some decent enemy and train. To get stronger. The strongest, so no one could take anything important from me. I also wanted to be strong enough to find the one who was responsible for my mother's death.

But part of my anger dissipated when my focus fell on you. Even though I have seen many desperate faces on many dying people, it was no match for the desperate sorrow I saw in your expression. And to think it was a smile. No smile should look like that. I had never seen one like it, and have never seen one afterward. It was like you had won a bet, where you had been betting against yourself. And the victory had been clear one, even worse than what you had anticipated. It is a hard to look to explain, but the blue eyes looked like they were bearing a castle's weight worth of pain.  
It made my anger seem petty. Ridiculous. Like I would be a spoiled child having a tantrum. I was embarrassed by the result, and I glared the blond man, who just smiled back at me, hiding the first smile behind closed eyes and too slack yaw. The smile was so fake, trying to look relaxed and thus not making the smile look right. It was as convincing as a drunken man's effort to walk straight.  
I stared the man intently. His movements were effortless and graceful. I could tell that the blond was experienced fighter. And that he had lost something precious in his life too. It takes one to know one. I wanted to know more about the man. Who apparently was a mage. I frowned. What would a mage need from the witch. Not for a moment did I buy the explanation that the mage had used up all his powers just to get here. There was not even the slightest hint of tiredness in the mage. Frowning I stared the man. There was a lot of suppressed emotions there, my senses told me. The image that the mage gave away was much more important to the blond than he let out. I couldn't understand why there was so much forced cheerfulness and indifference in the mage. I wasn't the curious type, but I was clearly drawn to the mage. I wanted to break the act and let out what the mage was hiding. But I was patient, that came with the territory. A ninja couldn't act out on every whim he had. So I would wait, watch and observe. My stare seemed to bother the mage, as he did his best to annoy me so he would leave him alone. But even though I was pissed to no end, I didn't stop. The more the mage put effort on the mask and on the task of pushing me away, the more I wanted to get close and know. It turned into a game. And truth to be told, I didn't mind running after the mage as much as I acted. I was acting too. But it looked like you knew I didn't mind you as much as I pretended. Because with time your eyes softened. And saddened too. And your smiles turned a bit more real, a bit warmer. I loved seeing the change in you. And you changed me too. I hadn't really cared about anyone in years. I hadn't talked seriously about personal stuff with anyone since my parents died. I kinda listened when Tomoyo was lecturing me, but I didn't pore out my heart. I didn't want to, I didn't care to. I didn't think the princess could understand. But I had the feeling that you would understand. And that I could understand you.  
I wanted to be your comrade.

I hated the silly coffee shop. They baked sickeningly sweet stuff, and it didn't help that the mage forced food onto my mouth. But I liked the glint in the blue eyes when they watched me chew the crap. And there was true amusement in the kyaa's as I chased after him. I didn't mind those moments. And one time when I had pinned him against a wall, I could tell that he didn't mind either. The mage was panting slightly, the blue eyes were sparking, for a moment casting aside the wall behind which he hid every emotion. The moment sent a slight tinge to my stomach, and I opened my mouth to say something when the pork bun just had to jump around and break the moment. Fai's eyes glanced a side, and when I managed to catch them again, the mask was there again. I wanted to strangle the pork bun. The mage slipped away, and for a moment he ceased to tease me, keeping his distance.  
When we were in the bar, the mage's mask broke. There was true loss and longing in his voice. I would have wanted to know what he so much needed to escape but I knew he wouldn't answer and that asking it would only make him avoid answering and clamp up. And I wanted to cherish the little moment of seeing the mage without pretense.  
I was very annoyed and terrified when the mage was hurt. Annoyed because Fai was just shrugging it off. I tried to reprimand the blond, but he just smiled and tilted his head. When my sword lifted his head up, there was a surprised flash in the blue eyes, but like everything else, it was swallowed by the mask. I frowned and growled at him, but the blond smiled and said he was the type I hated the most. Which was totally wrong. Fai was one of the person's I hated the least. I would even go as far as saying that I really cared for the mage. I wanted to say it, but then I wasn't able to. Something in the blue eyes dared me to correct him. And something told me that if I were to do it, it would make Fai run away. So I decided to wait. With annoyed grunt I turned away. And then the mage said he couldn't walk. It was contagious, the acting. Because I acted like carrying the mage was the last thing I wanted to do. Even though I didn't mind the least by the contact. It felt good to have Fai's warm body pressed against me. It proved that even though the mage was sometimes like a fragile porcelain doll, he was a real living person. I wanted Fai to see that I didn't mind him being what he was, and that neither did I mind helping him out. I sighed. The mage could be smart, but everything that involved him, he was an idiot. Why did Fai think I bothered to bring him flour since I didn't even like the bakings.  
I was embarrassed when I dropped Fai when seeing Soma. The blue eyes flashed with hurt, but it was of course masked with a smile and teasing. I didn't want Fai to think that Soma would triumph him.  
When Fai died, I was furious and grieving. I had swore that wouldn't let anyone dear to me die. That I would grow strong enough to protect those important to me. Mentally I cursed Tomoyo from binding my strength to the kills I would do. Because I wanted to smack the head in from whoever it was who was responsible of killing his mage. But I didn't want to show these feelings to the kids, so I just acted indifferent. And bit blood lust. But I was always ready to fight, so I didn't think it mattered. I understood Fai better now. How he hid his feelings. Hell, I was doing the same. It takes certain type of people to share your deepest feelings to, I guess.  
The relief was nearly overpowering when I saw Fai alive. A wide grin broke to my face. At that moment, I made a wow that I would do whatever I can to keep the mage safe. Or at least alive. our journey just seemed to be a bit more dangerous than I had first envisioned. When I had started the trip, I had wanted to just get back home, and I didn't mind the possibility to get into fights. But now with the mage to look after, I wished the future wouldn't have looked so dark. I could feel something was watching us, preying. I looked at Fai, who was focusing on Syaoran fighting with Seishiro. He seemed to be in prefect health. I let out a deep breath, grinned and looked the match too. I should find a way to make Fai care about his life.

I looked around. All I saw was Fai, forest and meadow. I frowned

"Where are the others?" I inquired and looked at the mage. The mage lifted his eyebrows high

"¤#&amp;¤¤?" I could recognize it as a question, but I didn't understand it at all

"Shit" I muttered. Again, the stupid white pork bun wasn't around when it was needed. Frowning I looked Fai in the eyes. The blue in them calmed me greatly. I sighed before continuing "We are alone" actually, right now it was good that the mage couldn't understand me. I would hear so many mocking comments about my skill to state the obvious. "Let's move and find someplace to crash for the night" I said and pointed a across the meadow. Fai tilted his head to the side, the soft white locks swinging in the light breeze. I started walking and the mage obediently followed. we found a camp. I exchanged glances with the mage and he stepped forward to take the first contact because we both agreed that he was better with new people. Fai smiled brightly

"%¤&amp;= &amp;#" the group around the fire cooking something looked up, reaching for their weapons immediately. Fai waved his hands to show he wasn't armed "&amp;#¤" the people stood up, ready to jump at us

"Who the hell are you?" one yelled at us. I stepped forward

"Just strangers. We got lost"

the group didn't relax

"Where were you going? And what gibberish is he talking?"

I glanced at Fai, who turned his blue eyes to me, looking a bit bewildered. I bet that for one who talked as much as the mage, not understanding nor being understood was awful.

"We come from different world" I stated. I wasn't one to beat around bushes. The group only tensed more

"You spies?"

I snorted

"No. we are looking for work." I looked the men. They were dressed like and acted like warriors. "You need more men?" I waited patiently when they looked each others and whispered among themselves. I looked at Fai who was glancing between me and the group. I gave him a hint of a grin. It seemed to have the effect I had hoped because the mage pose relaxed and the blue eyes ceased their darting.

"What can you do?"

I shrugged

"I'm great with sword" I looked Fai. I knew the mage was agile and fast. But I didn't know much more. Except that in Ohto the mage had excelled at throwing darts. "He has a great aim" I finished gruffly. The group exchanged glances.

"Let's see what you can do" one stepped forward, pulling a sword out. "Where is your sword?"

"It broke" I said sternly with a shrug. One of the men offered me a sword. It wasn't badly balanced, if not good one. I took a stand

"Ready when you are". The man jumped forward. It wasn't much of a challenge and in no time I had his sword flying out of his hand and pointing my blade to his throat. I grinned.

"Good enough?"I asked

"For now" was my answer so I lowered the sword and offered it back.

"Keep it". That was good news. It felt more natural to have a sword on my belt again. I nodded my thanks.

"His turn" a man said and pointed Fai. I could read a slight hesitance in the blue eyes, but on the surface the mage looked calm and composed, the meaningless smile on his lips. we were lead to a rack of different sized bows and they gestured Fai to pick one. Fai nodded in understanding and leaned down to have a better look at the bows. After careful inspection the mage picked up one. I was a bit worried and only prayed that the mage could indeed shoot.

A target was pointed and Fai took a stand. At least it was proper one, I had seen enough archers to know. With casual ease Fai took an arrow, aimed and let go of the string. I didn't bother to look at the target, seeing Fai that calm and satisfied told me that he knew what he was doing. The groups mumbling confirmed this.

Thus we were appointed to a tent, the mage got himself a bow to call his own with some arrows. we also were given a food and told that we had better rest now, and once the night would fall the battle would begin. I tried to explain this to Fai as best as I could but I wasn't sure if I managed to do it. But Fai airily shook his head and gripped my shoulder giving it a squeeze. The blue eyes caught mine and Fai shook his head a little, eyes sparkling

"#¤"!¤#" the voice was soft and before I knew it I was smiling at the mage. Fai nodded and smiled back, a real smile being a mixture of content and hint of worry. I figured it was because the blond didn't know for sure what was going to happen. I wasn't going to kid myself and think that Fai would be that worried about the kids. I had noticed that the mage was slowly warming up to them too, but it wasn't pure affection. More like just convenience's sake. Because it is easier to travel with someone you are okay with than fighting. I was sure that Fai thought me differently. Why else would there be that glint in the blue eyes when we were alone and Fai thought I didn't notice him staring. I let the mage stare most of the time, because it was worth it seeing his expression soften into something bittersweet instead of something stoned.

When we fought together, there were times I would have been wounded despite all my experience since there were shitload of enemies fighting us. But Fai had neatly shot the enemy targeting me. When I glanced him, he just smiled sadly before aiming at another target. I was touched by his action, because I could see the disgust on his face. But his hands didn't shake even if his knuckles were turning white from gripping the bow too hard. I focused back to my close enemies. Now I knew Fai could fight if he just felt the need. And I was touched that I meant that much to him.  
Back in the tent, I watched Fai eating. It wasn't much, just nibbling. When our gaze met, Fai gave a little smile.

"Don't smile if you don't feel like it" I said. I wondered if Fai understood, because the smile faded away. Then the mage yawned and got up, going to our shared tent. I stayed behind a while, finished eating, talked a bit with others and then followed the mage.  
The time there wasn't bad. It was good that when it was just the two of us, Fai didn't try to tease me for no reason. When we were in the tent just the two of us, Fai soon stopped bothering to act cheery. we both knew I wasn't buying it. I rather enjoyed our calm time there. No pork bun, no kids, no pretense. The only downside was that neither could we talk. I would have wanted to use the time to get to know more Fai. I didn't care about his past. No way. I was only interested to know what was going on in the blond head right now. I didn't despise myself for turning soft. As long as it was only towards the blond it didn't matter. One person wasn't too much to look after. Especially since Fai was able to take care of himself too. He just needed a push to dot it.  
Then there was the day when we saw Syaoran on the battlefield. It meant that our private time together was over. I was surprised when Fai acted like he didn't know who Syaoran was. But I welcomed a little extra time here, so I played along.  
Once we were back at camp, we ate quickly and retired early to our tent. We didn't talk, just listened our breathing, staring each others. Fai avoided my gaze, so I eventually gave up and went to get some sleep. I knew Fai wasn't even trying to sleep. But I let him stare. It made me feel better to know that I was that important to Fai. There was a faint grin on my lips when I drifted off to sleep.  
The next morning I was a bit bothered by Fai's intense stare. It made me feel hot and clumsy. But I was genuinely taken aback when Fai came to help me with my armor. I let him. Because there was no reason why not. When we were done, he halted at the last buckle. The look in his face was unguarded, lonely and sad. I looked him deep in the blue orbs  
"You have me at your side" I said simply. The blue eyes looked back at me, head tilting a bit and hands falling away from me. I yearned a bit after the gentle touch. Not many had been allowed to touch me like that. I was more used to punches. I was frustrated in my disability to make him understand what I said. Because I knew Fai would feel better knowing it. But I had no idea how I would find the change to express it with kids and pork bun around. Seething a little, I sighed and turned to walk to the departing zone and Fai followed me in little distance. I hated the helplessness that Fai caused in me. I was experienced and skilled ninja. Yet it was so limited what I could do to make Fai feel better.  
I was so in the mood to kick some ass when we warped to the moon.

One night in a boring world I was in the backyard with the mage. We had had few drinks. A drink being a bottle. I felt a pleasant slight buzz in my head that made me relaxed. Beside me Fai stretched

"I feel like dancing" he suddenly said and got up. I merely watched how the mage glanced around in the dim starry night and took a few steps further from me. Then he started to waltz around. It was rather impressive because there was enough light that he could see Fai, but not enough to see details. And the yard wasn't exactly even, being made with gravel, grass and concrete. I didn't see the point of putting that much effort into a yard that was so ugly and useless. But despite the uneven terrain, Fai didn't stumble or trip. Without thinking I asked.

"How can you keep your balance?"

Fai was in the middle of a spin and apparently was concentrating more on it than paying attention what was being said.

"You learn not to fall when you walk over frozen dead bodies for few years."

it took me a moment to realize what the words meant. Then my jaw dropped. I had known Fai's past was anything but pleasant but that was worse than I had imagined. I had killed many many things in my life, but I didn't want to walk over the corpses. Not even a moment did I think the mage had been joking. And even if I had, the fact that Fai had stopped with his back towards me I knew the mage had slipped out something important.  
I swallowed hard. For once I hadn't meant to dig out information, and of course I had gotten it. The mood had been pleasant and even Fai had looked calm and pleased. But now it was tense enough that my breathing was labored. I watched Fai's back. Everything in it told of anxiety. I was fiercely thinking of something to say to wipe the awkwardness away. I wanted for once to enjoy natural moments with Fai.  
But before I managed to stuttered anything out Fai spoke up

"I think it's time we went to get some rest, right Kuro-pun?"  
the fact that the mage didn't turn to face me and send one of those forced fake smiles. The voice was still cheery and carefree. I appreciated that Fai didn't try to feed me lies. To act like what he had said was meaningless. That would have hurt.  
So I grunted and got up  
"Yeah, better go before you trip and I have to carry you around again" I said. I don't know if it was my little jab or the fact that I didn't poke deeper to his words, Fai's back relaxed and the mage let out a little chuckle  
"aww, I liked it so much when you carried me" the mage whined, turning to face me. I smirked  
"Fine" with that I stepped to the blond, whooshed him up and onto my shoulder. Fai gave a little surprised yelp before laughing. I was satisfied that I had eased things between us again.

Things felt wrong in the Acid Tokyo. I don't know what caused it, but I felt uneasy from the moment we landed. I immediately decided to pay more attention to what Fai was doing. I had bad feeling that something was going to happen to him.  
It was a rough start, but I always enjoy a good fight, no matter what the reason. I would have wanted to finish my fight but the situation didn't allow us to keep it up. I only hoped that we would get to finish what we had started. But it didn't happen. We were signed a room to stay. I was there with Fai. The mage had been oddly edgy the whole time.  
I tried to talk with the mage but it was even more impossible than normally. Fai was edgy and obviously avoiding me and talking to me. When I was alone with him, I was ready to force him to express himself but of course the world's people just had to come and say they had something urgent to discuss. Like it couldn't wait. I was about to growl to leave us alone, when the mage piped cheerily that I would come talk with them. What a bastard. I got up and frustrated grabbed Fai's arm. It was so slender and small in my hand.  
"The talk is not over" I informed him "Decide where you are going to stand." I ordered him, tossed his hand away and walk out of the room. When I was walking away I heard a soft thud and something silent noise. I would have wanted to turn right back to see what Fai had done now, but I couldn't. The person who had fetched me looked at me expectantly and pointed a doorway to go through.  
Later I couldn't find Fai. Then someone said that he had went to the reservoir. I had no idea what it was but that didn't matter. I only wanted to get there as fast as possible.  
When I rushed through the doors I saw Fai and Syaoran. My heart clenched when I saw the blood. A growl escaped my throat when Syaoran looked up at me and munched something. When I dashed there the kid pulled Fai up like he was just a rag doll and made a move to pull Fai's eye out. Reflexively I attacked. I grabbed his hand and tried to force him to let Fai go. But the eyes were soulless and the kid acted like he didn't comprehend or care what I said. He bent down and tried to bite Fai's eye. Without any caution for the kid I tossed him away as hard as I could. I did hear the crack of a bone breaking but I couldn't care less about it. I looked at Fai's face. Half of it was covered in blood. I didn't want to think about it, but I got the feeling that there was only one of those beautiful blue eyes left. It had been years since I had been that angry. I wanted to beat the hell out of that kid. Carefully I picked Fai up to protect him from any further wounds when the air opened and another Syaoran came through. He had the same mark as on the sword that killed my mother but I registered it rather nonchalantly. I was much more focused on Fai. His breathing was struggled and he was sweating. I took dark pleasure seeing that the newer kid was beating the earlier one. And my blood turned cold seeing the bastard using Fai's magic. Even if I hadn't seen it much, I knew the feel of it and had seen a little of it. There was no mistaking about it. Fai whimpered in agony when the brat used it and I could only pull him closer to myself.  
When the Syaoran situation had calmed down and only the newer one was present I went to get Fai some treatment. Even though I knew this world had limited resource and that Fai was severely wounded.  
I gritted my teeth when the world's doctor put down her equipments and said there was nothing more she could do. When the pork bun called out to the witch I was grateful enough that I could have hugged and kissed the thing.  
But when the mage talked, claiming that we should just let him die, that it would be better that way, all my frustration anger and fear poured out. And I smashed my hand to the wall. The pain it caused did nothing to soothe my rage. Nor to silence the mage. I rushed at him, pulling him up so we were looking each others in the eyes. Or eye  
"If you are that willing to die, I will kill you myself. Until then, you will live" I wanted him to see I was serious. And I meant every word. I would not want to let anything take the mage away from me. And if I were to kill the mage it would ruin me all the same. The same would happen if he died here. Even though I had hated him in the start, I loved him now. I wouldn't, and couldn't, the mere idea was dreadful, think of a life without the mage. It would just make no sense.  
I saw that Fai didn't understand how I felt. But I couldn't explain it with words. I have never been good with them. Especially not with a crowd listening. But I would make you live until you understood what I meant. There was sad smile on your eye and you passed out. I let you down and asked what I had to do to keep Fai with me. No matter what the cost. No matter that I had to ask the help of the witch. I was grateful to the pork bun and gave it the credit it deserved.  
To make myself Fai's food. Not for a moment did I think that as a punishment. And I think the witch knew it because there was a certain glint in her eyes that I had seen in Tomoyo's many times.  
It didn't hurt to cut my wrist. What hurt was the anxious wait to see if it would work and seeing how much pain it caused to the mage. I was already thinking that Fai had been through just enough much of agony. But it couldn't be helped, living wasn't easy. So I held on to him when he trashed around. The yellow color in his eye freaked me out. It looked unnatural. I was also sorry that Fai hadn't gotten his other eye back. But what I got was still more than enough. I still had Fai by my side.  
When the mage finally wake up, there was the fake smile on his face again. Only this time it didn't try to emit any warmth. It was fake smile that was meant to be fake and cold. It made a shiver run down my spine. It was clear that you hated me, and hearing you saying my full name was like venom. But I took it all. Because I know I would do it again if I were given the choice.  
I would save your life as many times as I can. Without hesitation.  
I had swore I would get home and protect Tomoyo again.  
But I chose you.

Because I love you.

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Fai's POV

I was feeling sick and disgusted with myself all the time. I hated it that I could grow long claws in a flash and retrack them just as easily. It wasn't human thing to do. And it wasn't that I had liked myself too much earlier. I can't feel happy that I mean that much to you, because it just makes everything that much worse. If you just could have let me go, things could have ended nicely. I would have loved that.  
I avoid you with my best abilities. It's not too hard because Sakura isn't too willing to spend time with you or Syaoran more than the bare minimum. So I just tag along her as much as I can. Of course she needs much more sleep than I do and I hate sitting in the table while others eat. It just makes it that much clearer what I have lost. Again. I hate myself for letting myself get lulled into the warm comfort of other people. I hate you for making me realize once again what I fool I am. But you won't leave me alone. You keep coming to me, trying to talk. The only time I listen you is when you have something important to talk about the travel. Like the fact that we are being followed. The only thing that I give to you is that I allow you to cut yourself. Even though I really really hate it. Hate seeing you getting weaker with blood loss, hurting yourself for my sake. Hurting yourself so willingly. I know I am not worth it. And I know you will know it too. But I am tired of thinking about it. The only reason I drink is that now I must see this through. I want to see Fai one last time and apologize him for failing. Because I know that I can't take your life, I won't keep my end of the deal to Reed anyway. I know I can't have what I want. Because I would want to have you in my life. But I would want to have Fai back too. But you won't join Reed. And Fai won't live if Reed is defeated. I have lost and I am accepting that now. There is no way out.

When we play chess I can see that you are worried about the princess. I know she is up to something but I am not one to stop her or inquire what she is planning. I'm not that kind of person and frankly I don't care enough. I know what she is and I fear she knows it now too with the real Syaoran around. But she doesn't want to talk about it and I know how horrible it is when someone tries to dig up something you don't want to show. So I let her be, offer my arm for her to take support that she need. To have the companion she most needs right now. Even though she couldn't make me feel better or calmer. But that was my burden to bear. I wouldn't let it bother anyone else.

But that was foolish of me. Had I known what she was up to, that she had seen the future I would have killed myself before allowing myself to kill her. She was so kind and warm even when she was hurting. She did her best to make me feel better even when she was down. Realizing what I had done, and seeing her close her eyes and flashing away I lifted my hand to slash my throat. But you had to stop me. There was a void inside of me, sucking in everything. I could only stare at you, barely hearing you when you grabbed my arm and stopped me. Why do you always have to stop me no matter how big mistake I have made. Loosing myself I allow myself to look into your eyes after the long while. I see pain in there. Naked and honest pain and sadness. But there is only small reprimand to me. No hate. No loathing. I feel tears running down my cheeks. They are hot. Like your eyes. The stern gaze that doesn't falter, won't look away. It feels like they are looking into me. Seeing the void and filling it up. I look down, unable to see the hate that should be there. When you talk, I can sense that you don't hate me. Not even now. I can't understand it, but it makes me feel so small and stupid. I let go of the sword and it seemed to please you. I press my eyes shut. I swear that I would grow bigger person than I am. That I wouldn't try to run away from things I didn't like or that would hurt me. I owe it to you.  
And also to Sakura. Because she let go of her life to save us. She faced a tremendous challenge just to save the one she loves. Her Syaoran. In her honor I would try my best for those I care the most.  
So when we were leaving for Celes, I draw your palm a sign that allows your sword be with you all the time. I see the surprise and slight worry in your eyes. But I met your stare, no pretense to show you I was sure what I was doing and that it was okay. Even though I was worried sick about going back home. I knew Ashura is awake but I didn't know what he was going to do when we arrived. That's why I made a deal with Yuuko to ensure that no matter what happened to me, you would be save. Along with Mokona and Syaoran. I don't know who helped me paying the price for having you come to a save world after Celes, but all my respect to that person.  
I felt your nervousness and worry when you watched me use my magic to transport us to home. I would have wanted to comfort you, but I couldn't do that without lying. And I had decided I would try not to lie to you again. Even though I hadn't forgiven you either. Had you not forced me to exist, I wouldn't have killed Sakura. So your worry didn't quite reach my heart. So I dismissed your worry and pretty much ignored you completely apart from giving you that little magic. Time and time again, my hands got more blood on them because of you. And even if you don't blame me for what I have done, I blame myself for both of us.  
I can't hate you wholly, but neither can I forgive you.

* * *

Kuro-koi's POV

I let you mope around. I don't care that you are shutting me off as long as you keep on living. I have changed during this journey together. If I was the me before leaving Nihon I wouldn't have done what I did to you and I definitely wouldn't let you treat me like this. But I am proud that I have grown. It made me able to save you.  
And I can see that it's not just about what I did that has thrown you so far from your facade. There is something else bothering you, tormenting you and tearing you into pieces. I want to know what it is but I can tell that you won't tell me what it is. Especially since you are not talking to me at all. It sends swords through my heart when you go and call me by my full name. It just sounds so wrong and I hate it when you use it. It makes me feel sick and for a slight moment I wonder if I did right. But seeing the blue eye, no matter about the hostility in it, I calm down. Yes. I did right.

When we are playing chess I can see you get some twisted satisfaction when you beat someone up. And you don't blink an eye when Syaoran gets hurt and the only reaction that comes out when I get slashed is a quick flash of yellow in your eye and then a disgusted grimace. If our eyes meet, you scowl and attack someone with even more vigor.

But I couldn't believe my eyes when you charged at the princess with the sword. I was stoned and my head was blank. I only heard my heartbeat in my ears until the ghostly princess told me to take care of Fai. Like I needed to be told that. But it was the kick I needed to take action and I rushed at your side when you were about to slash yourself with the sword.  
Harshly I grabbed your arm, keeping you still. I looked into your eye, and I could tell something in you had completely broken down. Tears streamed down your cheeks and you looked so lost. I wanted nothing more but to hug you but that wouldn't have been right. So I was the bastard you want me to be and just snapped at you, staring at you.

Things didn't go normal after that. I don't know what had got loose in your head but it kept me in the edge, ready for anything. I care about you way too much.

I was bewildered when you were completely okay with going to your home world. I could only stare at you when you smiled. There was something missing in your eye. I was too baffled to stop you when you asked me to give you my hand. Hesitantly but dumbfounded I reached out my hand. When you touched it, I felt electricity running through my whole body. The magic you put onto it tingled. But the tingling turned into a wash of warmth when you told it was to keep my sword with me. Even though I was worried that you used your magic so casually I appreciated that you bothered to use it for me. But I was worried what was going through your head. What were you preparing for?

You were busy pushing me away and you shielded your emotions way better than before. I didn't have even the slightest clue about what was going on in your head. I kept staring at you, hoping that your armor would even momentarily slip away and I would see you again.  
But you won't meet my eyes and you pretty much act like I wasn't even there apart the moment you drew your mark on my palm. I carefully fist my hand. I can still feel your touch.

I'm worried about you. But I don't know if I can help you since you keep running away from me.

I'm scared.

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Fai's POV

when the spirals around us recoiled and I felt ground under my feet, a shiver went down my spine. I couldn't believe I was here again. After all, I had never wanted to come back and here I was, pretty much voluntarily. I glanced at you from the corner of my eye. You look around calmly and as if sensing my eye on you you star turning to look back at me. Of course I immediately look away and point a hand

"There is our destination." I say and pointed the castle we see in the distance. You all nod and we make our way to the castle. I force my feet not to shake. I would love to turn around and run away, hide somewhere where no one could find me. But I owed this to the princess and the kid. And to you. I couldn't keep sucking away your life if I can't face my life.

When we enter the castle I see that nothing has changed. Except everything is frozen. Then I see Ashura and Fai. My lips tremble seeing the two most important persons from my past. The air feel too thin and my ears are ringing.  
I can't stop Ashura from showing you my past. I wanted to, but it was too late when I found out what he was doing. I dread to turn around to see what you think. But my legs seem to have their own life and then I am facing you. Strangely you don't seem angry at me. More like disappointed. But I am not sure why. The anger I see in them strangely doesn't seem to be pointed at me. When you approach, I am scared. I am scared because my heart is with Fai. And yet, I don't want to hurt you in order to bring Fai back. Somehow, just seeing you here with Fai in my arms makes Fai seem fake. And I realize that my wish is impossible. You make me realize it. When you bring out your knife, I rise. I talk out loud, trying to reason with myself, to convince myself that I can bring Fai back. I avoid looking at you.  
Then Ashura said that to help Fai you would have to die. It breaks my heart. Unwillingly, my hand rose and my finger points at you. When Ashura continues his speech, my eyes widen. My promise to him. No, I won't kill him.  
I felt like I was in a free fall but much longer one than the one that had killed Fai. Long enough to let me realize that this is the end, there is no way out for me. In a burst I let out my magic, but you block it slam it right back at my face. Your face is determined.

You ignore me and charge towards Ashura and I try to stop you, but not hurt you. Even though I blame you for making me live through this, you still have a place in my heart. I really don't want to be responsible for your downfall.  
Memories of my past flash around me. They are making my heart crumble. I have to fight you.

You block some of my attacks but some reach you. Numbly I see you fall to the ground. Then the most painful memory concerning Ashura is played around as, making me live through the pain of finding out that Ashura was the one responsible for all those deaths. And that I was right there and hadn't seen it before and learned about it too late. My magic flows out in emotional burst, but you break through it. My mind is blank when you approach and slash with your sword. To my ultimate horror, you hit Fai and then you slam my face to the ground.  
Somehow, it brings me back to my senses. I again comprehend your words and I listen, eyes widening how you point out the craziness of my past. And Ashura just has to show more of my past.  
Even though he is wrong. Kindness is not my forte. Foolishness is. And I know you would agree to it.  
And still. I can't kill Ashura. He is the closest thing I have to a caring parent. He saved me and I owe him.  
But when he brings Sakura out, I know I have to save her. She is my key to redeem myself even a little. And she is also too kind and sweet to deserve to die in a cold and horrible world like this. So I attack Ashura, not to kill but to make him let go of Sakura. You attack him by my side.  
Ashura gives me a warning that he will attack and I hurriedly build shield to protect you, Syaoran and myself. But my shields aren't strong enough, first Syaoran's break and then yours. And then Ashura threatens to kill Sakura. I can't let that happen, I won't let my majesty to kill anyone. I attack with all my might and was about to hit when my eyes met Ashura's and I saw the kind smile of his. I hesitated and lost the sharpest edge of my attack. Syaoran uses his magic but we still can't reach Ashura. Then you jump from behind a rock. But Ashura saw it coming and still wearing the smile, he strikes you in the side.  
A white rage flares inside me and I scream. Tears tried to block my view but determined I push down on Ashura. I managed to grab a hold of Sakura and pulled her into relative safety. I bite my lip seeing that Ashura's eyes are void. There is nothing there, even though the smile is still so soft and warm. It makes me sick seeing it and knowing that there is nothing I can do to save him.  
So I take the girl to Syaoran. I am sorry I was so distant to him. But it was too late now. I hand Sakura over and told him to take care of her. He tried to stop me, but I pulled my hand free.  
My final stand. I walk past you. I can see that you are still alive. And once I finish this off, Mokona will take you to safety and you will be okay. It soothed me greatly, to know you could still live.  
I walked to my majesty.  
"I'll grand you your wish." I took a deep breath "And mine"

I attack. But it wasn't enough. Ashura pressed me against the ground by my throat. I knew what he was planning. He tries to anger me enough that I would just attack him and finish him off. But it's not working. It just breaks my heart more. Syaoran tries to help, but Ashura shrugs it off just like that and attacks back. I use my magic to weaken the attack and then you rush to the way and break Ashura's spell. I can't believe my eyes when you just gritted your teeth together and rushed forward. Then I felt Ashura's hand slipping away from my throat and I know you did it where I failed. Again you saved me and again you took my decision from me. I wanted to die here. I had come here to die with my king.  
My majesty. Why had you be so kind and tender in the end? Of course I cry for you. With your last breath, you give me hope for the future. Hope I didn't know I had nor deserved. When you collapsed to the ground, I slump to your side. I cry and reach out a hand and close your eyes. At least you have found your peace. I wish you good luck to wherever it is that you go.

I glanced at my ninja and seeing he was still up and breathing I sighed in relief and closed my eyes. Not the ending I had hoped, but at least my ninja is okay. But I don't know what to say to you and you seem a bit weak and hesitant yourself.  
Then Syaoran calls after Sakura and we look at that direction. The real Fai emerges from the pond and a feather comes out. I can only watch in amazement. But in the feather, there wasn't a memory of Sakura. There was a memory of Fai. Seeing him offering his life for me brought tears in my eye. Why had he done that to me, when I hadn't deserved it? But it also set me free. It had been Fai's decision. He had granted me this life. Now it was up to me to stop living in the past and trying to correct things that actually weren't my fault. And I should let Fai go and let him go have rest. He deserved it.  
So I too found peace at home. With my brother.

But my peace was long lived. The world around us started to close in on us. I know what is causing it. And I don't want to drag you or the kids down with me. So I summon up all my strength, giving it everything I have to send you and the kids away from here. I got Syaoran out with Sakura and Mokona, but it wasn't enough to get you out too. Even though I wanted to get you out the most, you were the heaviest one to lift. You were closest to me,you held on to my hand when my magic tugged at you. and I cursed myself for having given you some of my magic. It was making it impossible for me to get you out.  
Then I coughed up blood. I had failed. I had brought the end to you. I look up at you and I was going to apologize when something happened to the field around us. You hurried through it and tried to pull me after you.  
"GO" I order you. I don't want you to share my destiny. You should be free from me, as a reward for everything you have already done for me. And when the whole closes up, you close your eyes and let go. I sigh in relief. Then I hear the sickening slash and something drops down next to me. Before I understand what is going on, you grab my shirt and pull me out. I don't understand how you managed to do. How could you cut off your own hand!?

Mokona starts the warp and I try to stop the bleeding with my hands. I once again curse my disability to learn healing magic. I want to save you.  
We land to some strange world. You fell unconscious during the transport and I can't get you awake. I cry and call out your name. Please, please, open you eyes! You can't die.  
In haze someone comes to me, pet's my hair and tells me everything will be alright. I only care about the part when she says that you won't die. I cling to that promise like it was all that matters. Like it was.  
It took ages for the medics to patch you up and then the princess wanted to talk to you first. Since it was so long since you too met and because it was her doing that you were alive, of course I agreed to it. I waited outside the room, not even trying to seem like I wasn't eavesdropping.  
Finally I was allowed to come in. I couldn't look you in the face so I walked to your bedside looking down. I wondered what should I say or do. Thanking would be rather dumb.  
"Hey" you said casually. With that simple word, you let something free inside me. Your voice was so normal. Like we would still be..whatever it is that we are. Before I could stop myself, before I could think about it, my fist had shot out and knocked you on the head. You fell backward and I look up. Seeing your surprised face fills me with joy. You really are okay. I grin for real  
"It's payback Kuro-sama" I love it how your red eyes widen and the hand massaging your head stops. Then you grin back. And I know we are going to be okay. I smile at your threat to kick my ass later. And when I smile at you, my heart skips a beat when your expression softens. Your eyes have a soft tinge in them. I kneel down and caress your cheek. You close your eyes for a moment and sigh. You look and sound content. You open your eyes and lay your hand on top of mine, giving it a squeeze.  
"I won't leave you" you said. It brought tears in my eye even though it gave me happiness I haven't felt before. I just smile back at you. I don't know what to say and I honestly don't trust my voice. But you don't seem to mind.  
We sat there together for a while. Looking at each others and enjoying the fact that we were both okay and safe. And finally open and connecting.

I am happy. I know there is a lot of bad things coming up, but right now I don't care. We will be fine.  
I have you, you have me. And once this is over, I can tell you that I love you.

* * *

Kuro-pin's POV

When we landed the first thing I did was glance around to make sure something wasn't going to attack us right away. Then I felt eyes on me, but when I turned to look you seemed very much like it wasn't you. Then you pointed all our attention to the castle seeing in the distance.  
We walked in silence to the castle and once we entered you froze on your steps. Greeting us was a man with long black hair and dead eyes and some little kid with freakishly long hair. And blue eyes. I hurried to glance at you, but you were just standing there, eyes wide and mouth hanging ajar.  
Then we were shown your past. It wasn't pretty and this wasn't the way I wanted to find it out. I would have wanted you to tell me about it. But seeing it all I can kinda understand why you couldn't talk about it. And it definitely helped me see why you were just a fake image. I bet you would have fallen to pieces if you had carried the burden of your past on you. I think that the smiles weren't just to make us, make me believe that you were fine. It was probably to make you believe you were fine and momentarily forgot that you weren't.  
When the show was over, you looked absolutely devastated. I just wanted to hug you. But I also needed to bound some sense into you. It wasn't your fault. Why can't you see it? That it's not your fault you were used. I approached you and you yelled at me in defiant. Yeah. Definitely no hugs but beating.  
But first things first, I should get that creepy man stop manipulating you. Even if it would mean that I would loose part of my strength. I would be more than willing to do that if it meant that you would finally be freed of your past. And to help you was the reason I wanted to be strong, so even if I would loose it all it would be worth it.  
But you tried to stop me. I turned to look at you. I saw the man's mouth was moving and that your eyes were a bit glazed. I don't know what demons he summoned up from you, but I bet my sword that man is the damn Ashura who you had been running from. I glared the man. He would pay. But apparently I first needed to make you see what was really going on. I attacked you and you put up a hell of a fight. But even so, I could tell you didn't want to hurt me. You just wanted me to keep away. But I managed to break through when the bastard was again messing around with your life and showing us your past. It hurt to see it. And it hurt you. You screamed at your majesty and a burst of energy emitted from you. But I got through it to your side and swung my sword. It didn't reach you, but it destroyed the dummy you had been holding. And without missing a beat I grabbed the back of your head and smashed your head to the ground.  
"That makes no sense. If he wanted to help you, he shouldn't have put the mark on you. On contrary, you should have used your magic as much as you could and get stronger than anyone else so you could overcome the curse!" I said to you. I don't know if you understood all but at least it made you open your eyes to reality. Wavering you reached out a hand and grabbed one of the pieces showing off your past. The scene in it showed how you had gotten the mark. Of the Ashura's death wish. I yelled to the Ashura to stop this stupid farce. But he ignored me and talked to you, who I was still pinning against the ground. You shivered when he ordered you to fulfill your wish. But when you refused, he turned the bastard mode into full blast. He brought Sakura up and was about to kill her. It made you fired up nicely. You charged first and I could just follow your lead. Syaoran tried to help too, but that kid was completely wind out. We were knocked back and then bastard said something and in frantic you waved your hand and a ward appeared in front of us. And not a moment too early, because not a moment later the air was full of flying bombs that tried to hit us. It's obvious that your magic is greatly lessened with the loss of your eye, because you look amazed when the ward broke on me and the kid. You glanced around desperately and only saw bad things. Then you look at the bastard, who was threatening the princess with a sharp shard. Again you blow your top and blast out a huge amount of magic. It's enormous, but at the last moment you hesitate. I have just enough time to curse and try to attack from the side, but the bastard noticed me and pierced my side. It knocked me out of breath and I tried to stop the bleeding by pressing my hand on the wound. It didn't hurt that much. I am used to pain. And I felt warmth surround me. It felt familiar and I figure it was Tomoyo's departure gift.

In a brief second, our eyes met. I was touched by the naked fear I saw in them. You were worried about me. And I was glad that your emotions were finally showing that plainly. You charged again and this time you managed to save the princess. You dropped her off to Syaoran and faced your demons. I can't say how proud I am when you did that. You held your head high. But then I heard your saying about granting both of your wishes. I felt cold suddenly. I had to get there. I had to save Fai. And just in time I was on my feet. You were down and he was strangling you. I run to you and pierced the bastard with the sword. He told me to pull it out and seeing the little spark of satisfaction in the otherwise blank eyes I did so. Blood spurted out and the bastard let go of you, wiping tears of your face and telling you not to cry.  
The bastard fell down. You cried and closed his eyes. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if you would hate me for what I did or thank me for fulfilling his wish. When you looked up at me you only seemed tired. The look gave me a wave of relief. There was no hate in your blue eye.

Then the kid yelled and we looked at him. The princess was floating and a body identical to the one Fai had hugged earlier emerged and a flower came fort. In it was a memory of your brother. Near you, I heard your breath hitch and I saw how your shoulders slumped at seeing it. I don't know if you felt better of worse. I decided we would have to talk about it later when we were alone. Right now it was more important to get away.  
Suddenly dark marks spread around you. You looked just as surprised as I did, until you remembered something.  
"This is my curse" you said and looked at me with wide eye and horrified.  
"What do we do?" I asked. You thought a moment and then reached out your hand

"Get out of here" you summoned your magic and it surrounded the kids and me. The kids disappeared but I stayed behind. You looked terrified and I was terrified when you coughed up way too much blood. I pulled at your hand, trying to get you up. I wanted to know that you could stand. Then a portal opened and I stepped through it but I couldn't pull you out too. Frantically I tried pull you up, but you were stuck. You looked up at me, the blue eye calm.

"Go" you say. I know you mean it. You want to die. Like you have wanted a long time. But I wouldn't let you die alone.  
Then I heard Tomoyo's voice. She asked if I wished from my whole heart to go with you. Of course I did. I don't understand why I wouldn't want you to come along. Heck, I love you more than my strength, my promise to get back to Nihon. I was told I should cut my hand off. Without a hesitation, I thanked her for the tip and cut my arm off. I didn't care what I would loose because of it, what mattered was that you would be save, and alive. I reached in and grabbed your collar. You were shocked stiff. You just blinked. And stared at me, not understanding. I knew you wouldn't understand. But maybe you would one day.  
Things started to get blurry. I had lost blood from the wound to my side and now from my arm. The pain was slipping away and everything grew dark. I felt your hands on me and I know you called my name. I tried to hang on, but everything slipped away.

I woke up in my own futon. I looked around in surprise. How the hell did I get here? Then I saw Tomoyo by my side. She made sure I was okay and checked if I had grown on my travel. I know I have. And it's good thing that I have changed. I don't regret loosing my hand. But I am worried about the mage. Is he okay? I would want to ask her, but even though I think she knows I have feelings towards the mage, I don't want to admit it just yet. He should be the first one to hear it. So I decided to stay silent. Lucky me it was rewarded.  
The door slid open and you stepped in. I was relieved seeing you up and about. But then I tilted my head. You refused to look at me and I got concerned what was going in your head again. I wouldn't have you blaming yourself for me loosing my arm. You stopped in front of my futon but didn't look up or say anything. I tested the ground

"Hey" I said. I barely managed to blink before your fist connected with my head. The blow was hard enough to send me tumbling backward. I massaged my head with only arm and looked up at you disbelieving. Then you finally looked up and grinned. A real grin, the prettiest thing I have ever seen. I wondered how cute it would be to see your real smile. But what you said next made my whole body feeling light as a feather.

"It's payback Kuro-sama" you posed to me with a flexed fist. I grinned back at you

"I'll knock your lights out" I said, but didn't mean it. And you knew it. At some point Tomoyo walked out but I ignored it. You really actually smiled at me when I spoke back at you. You looked happy and relieved. Just like I do. I watch the sparkles in your blue eye. Gosh. Why are you so perfect? I know you don't agree with me, but you are. I watched your graceful movements when you knelt down beside me. I don't stop you when you reach out a hand and pet my cheek. It feels nice and confirms that you are really here and I am not dreaming. I close my eyes for a moment. I never want to forget this moment. And I never want to loose you from my side.  
I open my eyes, look deep into the blue of yours and place my hand over your hand and squeeze it, surprised by it's softness.  
"I won't leave you" I said to you serious and stern so you won't be able to dismiss it. You smile even softer and there is moisture in your eye. I'm glad you don't try to shrug it off or joke about it. So we sit in quiet, looking at each others.

I'm happy. First time in years I am truly happy and comfortable with where I am and who I am with. I'm complete.

* * *

pretty please, tell me what you think? liking, hatings, everything goes. but any comment will help me to keep on writing :D in case you want to hear from me again in the shape of Kurofai-fic.

merry new year everyone!


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